


Severance

by eccentrick



Series: Like Color, Like Sound [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety, Synesthesia, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6192841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eccentrick/pseuds/eccentrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma always had someone to count on, until that someone had slipped out of his life as quietly as he had come in. But Kenma can hear the colors in the world around him, and Kuroo's silent departure echoed every chamber of his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Severance

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on a true experience, something that really happened to me. I was younger, and I didn't realize how gay I was for her until she quit talking to me for no reason (that I know of). Anyway, I'm over it, and I thought it'd be a good basis for a fic. This is the first part of a series. Thank you to my best bro, Jazz, for editing it as always, and making me confident enough to post it!

It started as something as small as a missed call.

Since Kuroo had graduated and left for uni, they (Kuroo) set a specific day and time to call each other, and sometimes video chat if time allowed. Kenma had been reluctant at first, worried that his best friend would forget about him, and somewhere in his anxious riddled mind, it seemed better to be the one to cut him off.

Kuroo, being his best friend, knew this, and bugged him nonstop. The blond thought that Kuroo would be less annoying when he was a few hours away, but the messy haired softy was as much as a nag as usual. This comforted him.

But this was all at first.

Kenma and Kuroo has a sort of SOS thing. Whenever Kenma was in an uncomfortable situation, like getting lost looking for the arcade or getting caught in the rush hours of bustling bodies that swarmed like ants without warning, Kenma could send a text to Kuroo and the older teen would do whatever he could to help. Now that they weren't within walking distance of each other, Kuroo would call right away, even if he was in class (Kenma felt guilty about that), and talked Kenma out of a panic attack.

So when Kenma's shaking hands failed to grasp his phone, it sliding out of his hands from the sweat that coated his palms, and managed to send the signal, and nothing happened right away, he felt his chest get heavier, his lungs refusing to expand under his command. Something was wrong.

Should he call Shouyou? No, Shouyou is supportive in many aspects, but he never saw or heard Kenma having a panic attack, and he didn't want that. And the ginger didn't understand social anxiety, being the social butterfly that he was.

Trembling fingers searched, before he made himself dial the number, making himself not panic anymore.

"Hey hey, Kenma?" Confusion colored Bokuto's voice gray, an edge of worry tinted dark purple. He almost sounded like Kuroo at that moment, who was now his roommate. He didn't know how they worked that out.

"Is Kuroo there?" He huffed, trying to make himself not sound like he had just finished a marathon, or more accurate, working himself into an anxiety attack.

"Eh, no? I'm not quite sure where he is. You okay?" There was rustling in the background, Bokuto's tone colored yellow despite it. That wasn't good that wasn't good Bokuto was lying! Why would he lie?

"Nevermind." Kenma replied, before hitting the cancel button, disconnecting the call.

The blond's stomach rolled, and he booked it to the nearest bathroom, one in the very corner of the one of his haunts (he now recognized where he was in the haze), barely making it to the toilet before he threw up.  
________________

Kenma wasn't quite sure how he got home, but he somehow managed to make it to his front door, blinking the blurriness away. His hands were still shaking, his body exhausted from the extended stress. 

He unlocked the door, finding the house as empty as he expected. The stairs were a daunting task, his legs weak from volleyball practice and the onslaught of panic that severed what was left of his energy from his muscles. He just wanted to sleep.

Not bothering to turn any lights on, or make any food, he hit his futon he hadn't bothered to put away face first.

Checking his phone one last time, he saw one message.

**From: Kuro**  
**Subject: Sorry (。 >д<)**  
**Sry kenma, I couldn't get to the phone! I procrastinated too much and forgot we had an oral exam ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ**

Kenma narrowed his eyes. He felt relieved that Kuroo had contacted him, but it was strange that he would text Kenma before calling, given that Kenma had sent him an SOS today. Kuroo was also smart, and he didn't forget something as important as a speech. He stopped his train of thought, feeling bad; he should be relieved that Kuroo was okay and nothing bad had happened.

He'd just leave it alone for now, he'd ignore whatever this was until it went away.

_______________

Kenma usually kept his game console on silent. It gave him a headache, the weird chimes and jingles shouting colors back at him.

But now he had it on full blast, curled up in the corner of his messy room, the only light besides his game came through his window. His phone lay beside him, useless.

Usually he would get pissed at how much Kuroo blew up his phone, counting  the number of deaths that were caused by the disruption of the buzzing.

This week's tally was zero.  
_________________

"Kenma-san!"

The smaller boy grimaced. He had a shadow. A giant, annoying, clumsy shadow. Kenma has made an effort to be...nicer to Lev. That lasted all of the first week of the first semester, which was awhile ago. The tall teen just grated his nerves and patience like no other, and it didn't help that he stuck so close to Kenma all the time, making him feel like he was suffocating. And his voice tinged with red _all the time._  It was _tiring_.

"Kenma-san! Have you talked to Kuroo-senpai lately?"

Kenma almost hissed at that. "No, now leave me alone."

He could almost see Lev deflate in disappointment behind him.

"Well, I was just wondering, since you look worse than usual."

Kenma stopped upruptly, Lev running into his back and almost knocking both of them to the warm concrete. The walk to the gym seemed longer than usual today.

He turned on his heel, directing his glaring eyes to Lev's innocent ones, forcing him to look up. Lev somehow got the hint, and backed up a bit.

Lev didn't have a mean bone in his enormous body, Kenma knew, but he was so naive that he didn't understand how his words could anger others. His voice was always tinged with red, but a pastel, bright red. That didn't stop his anger, though.

He looked stricken, and confused, but surprisingly was smart enough to not follow Kenma.  
__________

**From: Shouyou**  
**Subject: awhhhaaaa ( TДT)**  
**Wat shld i do kenmaaa????!?,!?!?**

**To: Shouyou**  
**Subject: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**  
**Maybe you should have not come on so strong?**

When Shouyou first texted him, he had still felt that lightness in his chest, hoping that it was from Kuroo. Kenma hadn't heard from him for almost a month now, so any ember of hope still burning inside him should have been smothered.

Most people would text Kuroo themselves right? Most people would ask him what the hell was going on with him, wonder if everything was okay. But those people fabricated in his mind didn't have his crippling anxiety or his negative thoughts. Sure he has attempted, but he never sent them, and he was glad he didn't. Just looking through his drafts made him want to disappear.

**To: Kuroo**  
**Subject: you okay?**  
**I haven't heard from you? You okay?**

**To:Kuroo**  
**Subject:**  
**Did I do something?**

**To:Kuroo**  
**Subject:**  
**I'm sorry but I'm trying not to get mad at you**

**To: Kuroo**  
**Subject:**  
**Are you mad at me?? Did I do something???**

He stopped there, staring at the last text. No, he wasn't going to let himself take the blame. Obviously this was a problem on the other side.

_But, I am probably a burden to him now, right? He's in college, expanding his experiences. Why would he need you?_

No, no no. Kuroo _wasn't_  like that. If he was, he'd had done this years ago!

_But maybe he was waiting til now. To rip off the bandaid off cleanly once and for all. To spare your feelings._

_But_  this wasn't sparing his feelings! It was tossing and turning in his head, twisting until it held malice, until Kuroo never liked him, until Kenma was almost certain their friendship had just been his wishful thinking. Just been pity.

Kenma stared at his cell phone until it dies a few minutes later. He didn't bother to find a charger (which he should, since Shouyou had been texting him at a alarming rate), and just fell asleep where he was sitting.

Or at least tried to. Sleeping for him is not always an easy feat, being the game crazed insomniac he was. Kuroo had always scolded him on his many bad habits to the point of having an annoying mini Kuroo in the back of his head telling him to do this or don't do that. He recognized what his subconscious Kuroo was saying, but that didn't stop him from playing his games, eating his instant noodles, and living in a pig stye.

Some point into his moping he actually slept, and woke up too early to get ready for school but too late to go back to sleep. It was the time of night that felt like a sort of limbo, where dark thoughts grew darker, fears and ideas blossomed, and procrastinating students pulled their hair out while hunched over school work.

He crawled over, his knee digging into something hard. It turned out to be his charger. Plugging in his phone was a good distraction, his eyes flinting around the notifications that soon showed up. He has about 5 missed texts from Shouyou, which was such a small amount he was a little worried.

He postponed sending a text to Shouyou, too afraid he would wake the ginger up. He'd do it later.

___________

Kuroo's voice had always been Kenma's favorite. It was soothing, pitch black but not in a bad way. Smooth and velvet when decieving his opponents, charcoal gray when tired and singed white when tutoring Kenma. It was his favorite.

Not that he'd ever tell Kuroo that. It'd just inflate his head even more.

He was probably a little bias, since Kuroo was the first one to ever learn about Kenma hearing colors. The first one to believe him too.

"What color does Chibi's sound like?" Kuroo asked after their practice match with Karasuno.

Kenma's lips upturned, but he never looked up from his game. "The same as his hair."

Kuroo cringed, "Not good then?"

Kenma shrugged, his face back to his default neutral, "No, it's good...it's just hard to explain...it's not subtle, that's for sure, but it isn't overpowering like Lev's."

"That's good then, you always need someone else besides me, you know." Light gray.

"Quit." Kuroo always liked to tease him when he found someone's voice pleasant.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"....yes.'

"No."

___________

Kenma failed his first test a week later. It didn't really come as a shock to the blond; he usually studied with Kuroo, the boy a year ahead a great help when it came to school. No Kuroo meant no studying. Hell, this would have probably happened long ago if it weren't for the messy headed jerk's help.

He didn't particularly care, he told himself. It just showed how much he relied on Kuroo for everything, and it wasn't healthy. Perhaps the failed test symbolized something larger, the end of their friendship, or whatever this was. It seemed to go beyond platonic love for Kenma, all the more painful.

Kuroo had always been a constant. He'd been there for him when his mother was being neglectful again, he was what got Kenma out and about outside instead of couped up inside all the time. He had noticed his feeling in his chest in middle school when Kuroo had jumped up into high school. But he'd thought that was a normal feeling you'd have for a friend.

Now, talking to Shouyou about the ginger's problem, he realized that wasn't the case. Kenma didn't have the same feeling when looking at Shouyou. Yes, he was cute, yes he was his close friend and made him excited for volleyball again, but he didn't have the knot of emotions all different colors tighten in his chest when he was around or when the blond thought of him. Shouyou had expressed the same feelings for his scary setter, only in choruses of "awhhhaaaa"'s and "bubump"'s. Verbal. As in when he talked to Kenma, that is what he said.

He only realized he loved Kuroo after he left and cut off all contact with the blond. Ironic, wasn't it?

Kenma got the message loud and clear, but one thing was left unanswered.

Why?

Was college really what triggered this? That didn't exactly make sense, since it was a few months after the older teen moved away. And he had never really been away then, always keeping in contact and talking to Kenma often. Even missing class to calm Kenma down once in awhile.

He jolted. Was that it? Was Kenma too much of a nuisance or distraction to him? He almost didn't want to know.

 _Almost_.

____________

By now, most people knew not to mention Kenma's best friend's name in his presence. Or should he say, ex best friend.

Kenma tied up his messy hair, the locks long overdue for a cut. It was annoying, but Kenma never bothered to get it cut, or redye it. It felt wrong somehow.

It was official. Kenma had _gotten over it._  Or more like what he called _never think about it and you'll be good._ Maybe not the healthiest choice, but it sure beat the alternative of never getting over it and moping for the small remainder of his third year. Exams had just past, Kenma semi confidence in his mediocre performance stopping him from over thinking too much. He was hoping to get into the uni a few hours away, but incidentally, that college happened to be a certain _someone's_ college.

But he had to keep his resolve. He needed to get out of this house, the bug emptiness weighing on his mind, as did the echo of climbing the stairs that resounded throughout the house. The only room that looked lived in was his, which was logical since he basically was living in this big house alone. He just needed to do average on the exam, and make his mother pay for his tuition.

If he saw Kuroo there, in some pipe dream he did make into his desired uni, he would ignore his existence if he ever came across the familiar bed head. He would pretend he didn't exist, he would make himself look normal and happy and _functional_ as a way to say _I bet you didn't expect this, me not_ needing _you_. Kenma knew since Kuroo had been the one who left him, then he probably wouldn't feel anything if he saw Kenma, but he could only hope that the memories they shared evoked some sort of reaction.

Kenma was going to pretend he didn't miss Kuroo until one day he'll see him at a corner store or something, and he'll be able to look up at those cat like eyes and not feel a thing besides the nostalgia of his youth. He won't miss the soothing tones of black that Kuroo's voice gave nor miss the scheming look on his face and know that whatever Kuroo was planning, by default, he would go along with.

He'll feign indifference until that was all he felt.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you enjoyed it! If you did please leave kudos and a comment~
> 
> My joint tumblr account with my beta is eccentrick-stardust.


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